I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
