Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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