between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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