We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
