I murdered the dance floor call the cops
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
