Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
PANTIES FOUND
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