it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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