Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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