Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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