I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Randomize
