So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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