I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
