he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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