I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
