I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
