the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
