Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
