I'd wear matching sweaters with you
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
