not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
