I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
