i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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