i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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