"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
