There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just cropdusted the office
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
