Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
