I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
