my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
