Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
