just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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