A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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