the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
