so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
