somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
