I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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