the condom got lost in my hair
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
