she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
