Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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