Your face is a jimmy john
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
