Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
