seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
