Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
