Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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