Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
