I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
