He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
