I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
