ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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