Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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