I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
