Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
