when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
